Dreaming in Asana

Look, I haven’t been back to my studio in weeks.

WEEKS!!

Part of me is laziness, of course, but the larger part of me is that I want to work on focus on what I need from my practice. As I wrote recently, a close family member of mine was diagnosed with cancer. I am their caretaker.

The last thing I want is to interact at the studio. The last thing I want is to break down during my hip opener and not be able to stop crying.

Wow. Watch out for those hip openers. They will get you every time! #blackgirlyoga #yogagirl

— IcessFernandezRojas (@Icess) September 8, 2018

And that’s exactly what happened during one of my most recent practices. I had the house to myself, a rarity, and I began my practice by asking my body what it needed.

Before my practice, I was at the doctor’s as one of my family members has cancer.

It wasn’t long before I did a Utthan Pristhasana variation (lizard pose) and the tears flowed. I was overwhelmed by it. My practice then became prayer.  Each bit of my flow was a prayer.

Please, please don’t take her. Please, please don’t take her.

And I became a puddle of uncontrollable wailing. I had been holding it all in, sucking it in too afraid that breathing would result in a different outcome.

My family member, she has cancer. That is a fact. I don’t know why I thought I could not tempt fate and that that was a cure for it.

There was no way I can do that in a studio. I’d still be holding in that emotion that clearly needed to come out. That much needed moment would be stuck and so I would be stuck. No, this could only happen during a home practice.

Now, I’m not saying I’ll never return to my home studio. They are amazing there and I like how small the studio is and how intimate it is. They welcome all sizes and that is amazing! But…for now…my mat stays home and so do I.